Body Language

To all of my followers — this article is intended entirely in jest! I doubt that that needs to be said, but millions of people are overly sensitive to the issue. Only if I suddenly became The Benevolent King of our wonderful country — King Bob — would or could any of this happen. On the other hand, if one of you were to respond in outrage and alert the entire blogosphere of my maniacal proposal, you have my blessing. I envision “viral” fame.

The inspiration for this article began while I was getting a pedicure. As I began to take my seat, the owner asked me if I would like “color” to which I replied, “Huh”? As she repeated the question, she clarified that she was joking.  

While she giggled a bit, she showed me pictures of other men who, as a joke, had their toes colored. And, she added, there would be no charge. 

My pedicure proceeded as normal, but the idea of color began to form in my brain. Boredom set in after 15 minutes and I began thinking, maybe I’ll have a little fun with this. How about something modest — just the big toes??? What would the colors be? Let’s make a statement??? How about a non-confrontational politicalstatement??? Blue on the left big toe and Red on the right!

I did it! See photo below. 

Joan, my wife, as of this moment, has not noticed them. I’m tempted to show her, but the discovery needs to be spontaneous for maximum impact. 

The other major impact of my first body art is that they’re on display 6 days a week in the locker room at the health club where I swim. Although I realize that they’re only 2 colored toenails, when I’m in the locker room showering and I look down, two reactions immerge — 1. hide them! They look so feminine! Run! Hide!And, 2. Can’t wait to get a reaction from one of the guys. I would bet a large amount of cash that none of them says a word about them. It’s been 2 weeks now, with no mention of them! What would they say? “Nice toenails, Dude!”?

See my revolutionary-colored big toes pictured below.

What this experience is telling me right now is that for better or worse, adding color — major or minor, to your body will change how strangers (people we have not yet talked to) react to you.

For a moment, picture the human face as a billboard. What would you want to say to the general public? We’re already sending messages with the clothing we choose, hair style, body shape, and so on. I purposely wear a Green Bay Packers hat for the purpose of meeting refugees from the frozen tundra. If you’re from Wisconsin, the hat sends a message —-

“Hey! Cheesehead!”. 

Now let’s take this one step further. If you were to add a tattoo to your forehead, what would your message be?

In New Zealand, the Māori culture “advertises” with tattoos. They have been a central element of their culture for over 400 years.

As a college student many, many years ago, simply for the 3 credits needed to qualify as a fulltime student, I chose an entry level Anthropology course. Surprisingly, it was the most interesting and enjoyable subject in my 6-year (I’m a slow learner) college career.   

The subject matter of the course, unknown to me at the time, would be the Māori culture. The Māori are big on tattoos. To them, it’s much more than an art form. 

“Receiving moko (tattoos) constituted an important milestone between childhood and adulthood, and was accompanied by many rites and rituals. Apart from signalingstatus….. ) 

Click on the above links to better appreciate what their tattoos symbolize.

So, here’s my plan. 

This would need to be mandated. 

Every American on their 18th birthday would be required to choose one of 3 options —— A Bluetattoo, a Red tattoo or, a RED AND Blue tattoocentered on their forehead. If you are a “Red”, the “Blues” know immediately to not talk to youand vice versus. If you’re a hater, you know who to hate without going through the strain of talking to them.  To keep vandalism in check, we might need to segregate shopping mall parking lots for “Reds” or “Blues” only. I considered putting the Red or Blue on the license plates, but that would be pure mayhem!

Imagine the action at polling locations on voting day with everyone, in full view, sporting their affiliation. How do you feel about “mail-in” ballots now???

The 3rd option of both colors on your forehead could make you something of a peacemaker, but most likely it will alienate you from the “R’s” and the “B’s”.

Of course, all of this will be controversial but, on the bright side, as the Covid pandemic winds down the major cable news outlets will want to replace it with “Tattoo” counting. 

Stay tuned.

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