All Cats go to Delaware

I haven’t written a facetious rant in quite a while. Note!!! Facetious!!!

Delaware just happened to be on the other end of the bridge.

The Chesapeake Bay Bridge is a fascinating sight with a captivating history for a buff like me. After convincing my wife Joan that we will not die in the attempt, we arranged a driving trip which will feature the bridge and many points of interest in Maryland and Virginia. The Chesapeake bridge is 13 miles long — a 17 or 18 minute drive which is plenty of time for my terrified wife to imagine all the worst that could happen. At about 13 or 14 minutes, we see green on the horizon. Joan, literally white knuckled, has not said a word until that point when she asked, “Is that land?”. To which I replied, assuring her, “Yes, we have sighted land”.

Unfortunately, as it turned out, it was Delaware.

To all my readers in Delaware, Pssst! I have no readers in Delaware, but just in case this article suddenly earns me National acclaim, I want to assure you that our experience with Delawareans was pleasant. It’s the state itself, the fact that it exists as one of our United States is what bothers me.

There’s nothing there but sea grass. Of course, that’s an exaggeration. There’s also a huge Air Force base in Dover, a big gambling Casino decorated in mid-70’s tawdry, and 2 very big chicken processing plants. That’s it. 

Delaware became a state only because it was one of the original colonies. 

With the help of British royalty, William Penn was able to steal (they called it a “lease”) Delaware from the Swedes in 1682. This gave Penn the coastal access necessary forcommercial expansion. So much for Delaware. 

Now, about the cats.

Cats are not enigmatic. Here are the synonyms for “enigmatic” from the internet. 

enigmatic, impenetrable, unintelligible, incomprehensible, unfathomable, ambiguous, arcane, cabalistic, deadpan, difficult, inexplicable, mystic, secret, unaccountable, unreadable, unexplainable, poker-faced, sphinxlike, undiscoverable, unknowable.

Cats are none of the above. They eat, sleep and ignore humans in their free time.

Since the invention of language, the cat’s demeanor has gotten the benefit of the doubt. I maintain that there’s nothing behind that inscrutable stare. Prove me wrong. 

Given the irrelevance of Delaware and the nuisance of cats, I’ve come up with the perfect solution.

All cats go to Delaware.

You can visit your cat, but it must stay in Delaware along with the litter box. No more cat care products irritating me/us in the grocery store. No more irritating cat care product commercials on TV. And ——————- Delaware becomes known for something nationwide other than as a tax avoidance haven for big banks. The banks/the buildings aren’t actually located in Delaware —- just the paperwork that says they are are.

There’s no enigma there, just an unresponsive, hair balling, and-ready-to-stink-up-your-home irritant. We once had a cat in our home in the mid-1990’s. At the time, it was a concession to our teen-age daughter. It was an attack cat. It would hide in waiting on the staircase and attack the next ankle it saw.

When our daughter left home, we took the opportunity to find the cat (I don’t remember its name) a new home in the country. Demonstrating its strong opposition to relocation, it put up one hell of a fight as Joan and I attempted to stuff it into a box. Fortunately, the scratches on our arms did not require emergency treatment. 

Ultimately, we found a very nice home for the attack cat. At least it appeared to us to be a very nice home as we pulled over on a narrow 2-lane road. The cat’s new home sat in the middle of expansive fields. We figured there must be field mice in there, so we wished the cat all the best and released it to begin its country life. 

Here’s the point of all that you’ve read so far. 

Since there’s no need for Delaware or cats, let’s fix both problems by requiring that all cats reside in Delaware. Delaware becomes the cat rescue capital of America. Cat lovers can visit whenever they choose. Delaware, now, has a purpose. The cats now have a home where they can hunt in the sea grass, eat the remains from the chicken processers, and maybe learn how to operate the slot machines. 

Granted, I’m offering up 2 difficult choices. It’s a conundrum. However, something needs to be done. Please let me know if you have issues of a similar magnitude. I stand ready to solve them!  ​

Cats are not enigmatic. Here are the synonyms for “enigmatic” from the internet; 

enigmatic, impenetrable, unintelligible, incomprehensible, unfathomable, ambiguous, arcane, cabalistic, deadpan, difficult, inexplicable, mystic, secret, unaccountable, unreadable, unexplainable, poker-faced, sphinxlike, undiscoverable, unknowable.

Cats are none of the above. They eat, sleep and ignore humans in their free time.

Since the invention of language, the cat’s demeanor has gotten the benefit of the doubt. I maintain that there’s nothing behind that inscrutable stare. Prove me wrong.

Given the irrelevance of Delaware and the nuisance of cats, I’ve come up with the perfect solution.

All cats go to Delaware!!!

You can visit your cat, but it must stay in Delaware along with the litter box. No more cat care products irritating me/us in the grocery store. No more irritating cat care product commercials on TV. And ——————- Delaware becomes known for something nationwide other than as a tax avoidance haven for big banks. The banks/the buildings aren’t actually located in Delaware —- just the paperwork that says they are.

There’s no enigma there, just dumb, unresponsive, and ready to stink up your home.